On My Mind

-thoughts of a wife, mom, author, illustrator, juggler, toy designer, teacher, camp director, ...



Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I remember you...


 

Those who know me well know that every year on March 18th, I write a short dedication post. I think of them on other days when there are triggers that remind me of their strength and of our loss but this day is theirs. I feel cheated like a carrot dangled in front of a horse not that they were carrots or that I was a horse but that is one of the feelings that surrounds me on March 18th (and really, for most of March). I feel suffocated, sad, scared, empty, and lonely. I know that I could take the optimistic perspective and be happy that we had a few days together and I am glad that we did but on this day, the pessimist takes over until it is difficult to breathe. I have a lot of work to do this week and I will do my best to push through but the memory of them is on my mind, in my heart, and weighs on my chest.


I Remember You...
It’s March 18th again and I'm hit with a storm full of emotions. I’m sad. I feel cheated. I wish I could turn back time but don’t want to go through that again. I didn’t have a lot of time to get to know you and yet I did know you. I talked to you. I held you. I listened to you. I even saw you before this day, but on March 18th, you looked at me for the first time. You squeezed my finger. People have asked and I have no answers. I don’t know what happened. I don’t think that I did anything wrong but I can’t help but feel that I must have because I lost you. You would be ten today. I remember you and I will light a candle for you today.


Those who have no idea what I'm talking about or who this post is dedicated to may not have known me in 2004 or heard about this since then. You can read last year's dedication post by clicking HERE.

Mourner’s Kaddish
Yitgadal v’yitkadash sh’mei raba b’alma di v’ra khir’utei, v’yamlikh malkhutei b’hayeikhon u-v’yomeikhon u-v’hayei d’khol beit yisrael, ba-agala u-vi-z’mon kariv v’imru amen.
Y’hei sh’mei raba m’varakh l’alam u-l’almei almaya.
Yitbarakh v’yishtabah v’yitpa’ar v’yitromam v’yitnase, v’yit-hadar v’yit-aleh v’yit-halal sh’mei d’kudsha, b’rikh hu l’ela (l’ela mi-kol) min kol birkhata v’shirata, tushb’hata v’nehemata da-amiran b’alma, v’imru amen.
Y’hei sh’lama raba min sh’maya v’hayim aleinu v’al kol yisrael, v’imru amen.
Oseh shalom bi-m’romav, hu ya-aseh shalom aleinu v’al kol yisrael, v’imru amen.


To read 2012's dedication - A Lion in the Storm, click on the image below.
 
 
 

8 comments:

  1. I read your Kaddish every year and every year my heart is tear-soaked. You are their mother forever. In the end it's about LOVE.
    G-d bless, השם יברך

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  2. It's a terrible loss, and not one I even try to understand. But know that people everywhere are sending up prayers!

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  3. Alison,
    Sweetie, I'm so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))) I know the grief you are experiencing. I am so at a loss for words... Just know I am here for you.

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